Spitball Army

I love the moment in Water for Elephants when they discover that the elephant responds to Polish commands. Otherwise? Meh.

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Girl with a cell phone inserted into the left side of her face: He was like, “Ugh,” & I was like, “What?” & he was like, “That’s right,” & I was like, “No way!” & he was like, “Okay.”

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Was alarmed to hear that someone axed the President, then realized that it was merely a linguistic offense on “Politics Nation with Rev Al Sharpton.”

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Q: How many vegans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: I’m better than you.

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From Twitter, July 12th: We would call him President Whitehouse. He would live in The White House. On-site TV news reporters would sign off, “…live, from the Whitehouse White House.” He could never get lost. He could paint the White House any color he wants, and it would still be the Whitehouse residence.

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She picks it up, rifles through a couple pages, then tosses the AARP Bulletin across the table. I implore, with a quizzical brow furrow. “They used to be for older people, but now…” Her words dangle out there. “What?” She whispers: “Obama…” It trails from her, as a curse.

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The right angle isn’t always the correct angle.

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From Twitter, July 7th: Four score and seven ducks ago… Those who can, do. Those who can’t, teach. Those who can’t teach, teach ducks. “Monsieur Rick, what kind of a duck is Capt Renault?” “Oh, he’s just like any other duck, only more so.” “The last to go will see the first three go before […]

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Jerry Lee Lewis. Married a 12 year old first cousin . Pissed off the Europeans. Even in the U.K., where they do that anyway.

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Elvis. Now that’s a real American story. Came up from nothin’. Makin’ dance moves like nobody’d seen before.

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