Spitball Army

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Second Periodic Table of the Elements Joke

May 8th, 2012 · No Comments

One hydrogen says to another: What’s wrong? The second hydrogen responds: I lost an electron. The first asks: Are you sure? To which the second replies: I’m positive.

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Postcard: Streets of Paris (from 1933 Chicago World’s Fair book)

May 7th, 2012 · No Comments

Eighteenth of 20 watercolor picture/postcards from the postcard book titled: “Official View Book, A CENTURY OF PROGRESS EXHIBITION, Chicago, 1933.”

This card pictures “Streets of Paris” at the 1933 World’s Fair held in Chicago, Illinois.

The accordion-style postcard book’s cover:

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First Periodic Table of the Elements Joke

May 6th, 2012 · No Comments

Helium walks into a bar, The bartender says “We don’t serve noble gasses in here.” Helium doesn’t react.

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Harry to Mary: 31 January 1946

May 5th, 2012 · No Comments

[Letter addressed to Mrs. Harry V. C., c/o Mrs. J. W., 20 Block Street, Dundee, Scotland.  Return addressed to Cpl. Harry V. C., 33428766, 1409th A.A.F. Base Unit, E.D.A.T.C. A.P.O. 741 c/o P.M., U.S. Army.]

France
Jan. 31, 1946

My Dearest Darling Wife:

Just a few lines again today to let you know Mary Darling that I am well and getting along the same as ever.  Darling I pray that this finds you feeling allright and getting along O.K.  Darling I love you with all my heart and I miss you so much.

Well Mary I had an easy day for once.  We were supposed to leave on T.D. to Copenhagen this morning at 10:00 but we are still here.

I got up this morning and went to the hangar the same as usual.  We were supposed to [leave] on a plane, but they put it on another flight.  We got a place and two of us went out and run it up to see if it was O.K.  It checked out allright and we loaded our things on and the equipment ready to go.  They checked the gas and oil and we had to have some of both.  The [crew? Looks like frozn] were to fuel and oil it and the both trucks were empty, so they fooled around till they got another truck.  Darling you should of heard the Lt.  We got ready at last and they taxied up to the ramp and ordered lunches for us.  After we got thru we took off and was up about 30 minutes and turned around and came back.  The officers went to see about getting another ship.  We got one about 1:30 and got it all loaded up ready to go when they canceled the flight.

I guess we will try to go at 9 o’clock tomorrow morning.  That is if the weather is O.K.

Darling I got paid early this morning.  I turned in 2481 franks for 100 kroner so I would have some money to buy something when I get over there.

Dearest have you been getting my letters O.K. lately?  I haven’t received any from you since the 26th.  I checked twice today.  I only hope I hear from you soon Mary Darling.  Your letters mean every thing to me.

Oh, Darling I wish I could be up there with you so we both could forget about writing for a while.  I miss you so awful much.

Well Darling I have two of your precious letters to answer yet so I guess I will try and answer them now.

This is your 10th one I am starting on just now.  I only hope I can answer all your questions.  Darling please forget about not writing for a day or two.  I forgive you for every thing Mary Darling.  I know how you feel some times, and I don’t blame you for not writing.  Darling I will always love you the same even if you would quit writing altogether.  Mary Dearest you are my whole life.  I pray that we are together very soon.  I miss you so awful much.  Please Darling try not to worry so much about me.  I am yours for ever.  I will never stop loving you.  Darling you just don’t know how bad I felt when I had to leave you in London.  I would of done any thing if I could of been with you longer.  I wish the plane would of been canceled so I could of came back in to have been with you a while longer.

Darling please try to get along allright and try to get all the sleep that you can.  I want you to stay allright and not be feeling so bad.  I only hope I can be with you soon, either up there or back in the States.  Mary Darling I guess I know how you feel, and Mary I don’t think you are stupid.  I think you are the sweetest and most precious Darling in the world.

Well Mary Darling I guess that is about all I can answer in your 10th letter.  I guess I will have to start on the 11th one now, so Mary Darling here goes.

Darling after I started this letter I went to the P.X. and had two milk shakes.  I came back and watched a dice game for a while.  Curtis won about 600 franks and Ward won over 3000.  After they finished we went to the P.X. again and I had 3 more milk shakes. 2 big dishes of ice cream with cherries on and one chocolate soda.  I guess I am almost filled up now.  Darling just wait till we are back in the States we will have our share of ice cream.  Darling I am glad you wrote and told me just how you felt in your 10th letter.  Please Mary promise me that you will not stay up so late and try to write to me.  I want your letters so much, but Darling I hate to think of you staying up so late writing them.  Dearest have you and Betty been to see any more good movies?  I wanted to see the movie that is on now but tonight it started at 8 o’clock and that is too late to go.

Well Mary have you seen any more almost fall in the street?  I bet he did look kind of funy.

Dearest you better practice so you can win when you get in another card game.  I only wish I could play like Dad does.  I could win the fellows money then.  I never saw any one that could tell what card you were going to play like he did that night.  Darling I don’t think I could ever win playing with him.

Darling I wish I could of been up there when the streets were all over ice and had a sled like I had back home.  We could of had some time with it.  We used to get 8 or more on and boy it would travel.  One night we were going down the road and a car was following us.  We were going 40 miles an hour.

Darling we will have to make a sled like that when we get back.  I had it tied behind a car one day and he went through a snow drift.  When we got through I had so much snow on me I looked like a snow man.

A gang of the fellows here went into Paris to the skating rink last night.  They said it was so crowded you could hardly move, and the ice had [moths?] on it.  They only stayed a little while.

Mary Darling we will do our skating on roller skates when we get back.  The place we go to is not far from where Kenny and Dorothy live.  Mary have you had any more letters from Kenny or Mom?  I am going to send you one of Kenny’s letters.  The way he said in his letter he must of been doing a little drinking.  Darling that is one thing you will never have to worry about.  I never drank when I was home and I am not going to drink when I get back.  The first drink of whisky I ever had, and the last, was the night we were married.  The most happiest day of my life.

Darling I am going to close for this time.  I am thinking of you every second.  Dearest I pray every night that we are together very soon.  I love you so awful much.

Your Loving and Lonely Husband
Harry

31Jun46 drawing

[At the bottom of the page, a heart, drawn in x’s, encloses the words “I love you so awful much Mary.”]

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That’s what it said on the label.

May 4th, 2012 · No Comments

Why were these steaks labeled as Mexican Ribeyes? Are Mexicans tough? Do they fall apart under intense heat? Is it the beef’s tannish hue?

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Seconds

May 3rd, 2012 · No Comments

How many seconds does it take a talk show moderator to tell the final respondent that there are only thirty seconds left in the show?

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Kenneth to Harry: 31 December 1945

May 2nd, 2012 · No Comments

Dec. 31, 1945
Mill Run, Pa.

Dear Brother:

Well here I am again this afternoon with a few more lines in answer to your two letters I received in today’s mail.  Was very glad to hear from you but you never mentioned a word about the farm I was telling you about.  I am going to talk to her this week and try to make some kind of a deal but I want to wait until you come home before I do any thing.  She did want $6,000.00 for it but I can get it a lot cheaper, I’ll let you know as soon as I find out.  I think it would be a pretty good idea.

Well, it’s still snowing yet this evening.  Dorothy & I was going up to her home and get the car so we could go to town but Jakie is having trouble with his car so he never came around to take us up as yet, although he may come later on tonight.

You asked for a picture.  We took some which should be coming back most any day now.  I’ll send you one as soon as we get them if they are any good.  I took some today but I don’t know if they will be any good for it was pretty cloudy where I took them.

[someone else begins writing at this point]

Well boy you better get here before your wife or your brother will be for kidnapping her Ha Ha and I’ll half to call for you to help me Ha Ha.  Well don’t be surprise to hear from me for once Kenneth was setting here writing & he asked if I want to say some thing so I’ll just put a few words in just to help the poor guy fill up his spaces.  If you can fine any extra rope you would had better send it for I might half to rope him down if je get too flurty with your wife Ha Ha.

Don’t believe it Virgil for you know I wouldn’t do a thing like that but I will take good care of her until you come home.  You had better tell her to call up the garage so we will know where to go down and meet her.  I’ll have to take her out and show her the town so she will know her way around when you get here.

Have you been getting any thing good to drink over there lately?  I’ve had a few little drinks since I been back.  The first night I went to [Louisville?] and Edith & I drank four qts. of sloe gin beside the beer.  She got plastered but I walked out as sober as a judge, believe it or not.  The next night we drank six qts. which was all they had in the joint.  When you get here we will have to go out and the one that gets drunk first pays for every thing so just come around any time.

Boy I guess you will wonder what is going on when you get this letter well Kenny take a smoke and I write a few lines just to help him fill up the paper.  Well he didn’t tell you about the night before Christmas he goes to town on Monday and he get 2 qt. of Sloe gin & a qt. of P.M.   He got the P.M. for my daddy & I of course help him drink if I had a large drink of P.M. in Orange pop and then we left home and when down to Ohler with the two qt of Sloe gin so the house was real hot & helping darling, I drank a lot of gin with out any thing to mix it with in a drink so I just pass clear out from 10 oclock to about 1:30 that morning and boy I sure was a sick little girl over Christmas.  I couldn’t keep any thing down for about 4 days so don’t do like I did when you get home and make a pige of your self, but I promise myself that I was going to get drunk the first Christmas eve Kenny was home.  Well the only trouble I got with him is hen & Jake get together.

[end of other person’s writing]

Jan 5 Sat.

                We didn’t get to finish this so now I’ll try and do so.  The sun is nice and warm here today, a very beautiful day.  I am starting to remodel a house next week.  I want to order material Monday.  I may have it fixed up till you get here.  I spent all this week up at Shaffers.  The house I am talking about is next door to Shaffers.  For $150.00 I can fix it up.  I want to start soon.

Will close for now so answer soon, and hurry home.

Ans. Soon Good Luck
Kenneth.

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Deadwood Lingo III

May 1st, 2012 · No Comments

Unauthorized cinnamon.

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Postcard: General Motors Building (from 1933 Chicago World’s Fair book)

April 30th, 2012 · No Comments

Seventeenth of 20 watercolor picture/postcards from the postcard book titled: “Official View Book, A CENTURY OF PROGRESS EXHIBITION, Chicago, 1933.”

This card pictures “The General Motors Building, framed by the Aurora Borealis” at the 1933 World’s Fair held in Chicago, Illinois.

The accordion-style postcard book’s cover:

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Fred FM playlist: 29 April 2012 “Salty”

April 29th, 2012 · No Comments

I have the Indian fellow at the local Subway in the habit of adding “lots of black pepper, but no salt” to whichever sandwich I order. Now, he’s moving to Chicago, and I’ll have to train somebody else all over again.

Add that to my list of First World Problems.


Approximate playing time: 60 minutes.

  1. DJ Shadow  “Building Steam with a Grain of Salt”  (1996)
  2. Sun Kil Moon  “Ocean Breathes Salty”  (2005)
  3. Laura Veirs  “Saltbreakers”  (2007)
  4. Band of Horses  “The Great Salt Lake”  (2006)
  5. Fats Waller  “I’m Gonna Salt Away Some Sugar”  (1940)
  6. The Mamas & the Papas  “No Salt on Her Tail”  (1966)
  7. Lizz Wright  “Salt”  (2003)
  8. Martin Briley  “The Salt in My Tears”  (1983)
  9. The Beach Boys  “Salt Lake City”  (1965)
  10. The Rolling Stones  “The Salt of the Earth”  (1968)
  11. Miles Davis  “Salt Peanuts”  (1956)
  12. Jimmy Dickens  “Salty Boogie”  (1954)
  13. Vulcan’s Britches  “Vinegar and Salt”  (2001)
  14. Procol Harum  “A Salty Dog”  (1969)
  15. Bix Beiderbecke  “There Ain’t No Sweet Man That’s Worth the Salt of My Tears”  (1928)
[audio:Fred_FM_playlist_042912.mp3]

You can also listen to this playlist in an abbreviated form (14 out of the 15 tracks) on Spotify. Here is the link.

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