Spitball Army

…and I don’t mean the political theatre circuit.

Radicalactor.com is a website apparently curated by one Gary O. Bennett.  Mr. Bennett uses this website as a repository of short theatre pieces that he has written himself.  One of the scenes, posted on September 19th, 2006, is called “The Pitch,” and revolves around the discovery of a body.  A dead body.  The dead body of Larry Langford.

The lifeless character’s introduction reads thus:

WALTER: I understand that you were late this morning. You all right?

BEVERLY: You understand I was late. What do you mean you understand I was late? You track my comings and goings?

WALTER: It’s part of my job, ma’am.

BEVERLY: No. No. My comings and goings are not part of your job. What I do, who I see, what I say, when I fart and who I fuck is not your business.

WALTER: Yes, ma’am. It’s about someone you…fuck, ma’am.

BEVERLY: Excuse me?

WALTER: An actor, ma’am.

BEVERLY: What in holy sweet Moses are you talking about?

WALTER: Larry Langford.

BEVERLY: Larry Langford?

WALTER: Yes, ma’am. You don’t have to pretend not to know him, ma’am. The whole security staff knows that you and him are, I mean were, having an affair.

Beverly stares at Walter. There is a pause.

BEVERLY: What about Larry Langford?

WALTER: They found him this morning. Lying on Mexican tile in his kitchen with a peeled banana stuck in his mouth. He had an old Gianni Versace tie around his neck. Tied real tight in a half Windsor knot, and there was a bullet in his head.

Does this Gary O. Bennett fellow read and listen to our local media reportage?  I about split my gut when I read the bit about the Versace tie.  And I guess we’re not entirely sure what killed him: was it the tie, the bullet, or the banana?

Further on into Walter’s interrogation of Beverly, he comes clean on his opinion of Langford:

Look, ma’am, I’m on your side. I didn’t like the man. He was trouble. He was demanding. He was obnoxious. He treated everyone with contempt. If I could have done it myself, I would have. But I’ve learned, ma’am, that the mild little insults and put downs I endure all day long from people like yourself, ma’am, do not justify something so rash as murder. But I guess that having the important job that you do and making the kind of money you make, can change the way you look at…people…at life.

The melodramatic scene takes some typical potboiler twists, and along the way, Walter gets another dig in on the character attributes of the poor, defenseless corpse:

I don’t wish to be pushy.  After all, I am just a security guard.  And Larry Langford was just a, how do you say it, second tier actor trying to be a first tier actor.  I can see the headlines now, ma’am.  Warner Brothers’s President Murders Aspiring Actor.  We’ll read about how wonderful he was and how much of a shit you are, ma’am.  They will speculate why you did it.  By the way, why?  Why did you do it, ma’am?

Why, indeed.

I was just thinking about what I might post here today.  And before I had a chance to don my burlap sack and humbly pray for inspiration, this website danced across my computer screen.  It was a godsend.  Thanks, Man.