Spitball Army

[Transcribed from “Werewolf” by Coyle & Sharpe, which was included in yesterday’s Fred FM playlist.]

Sharpe: This is another in our series, Meet the Celebrity. Every day I bring a famous celebrity onto the streets of San Francisco and introduce him to a passerby. Now, today I’ve stopped a young man. Your name, please?

Man on Street: Michael Huffman.

Sharpe: Michael, uh, I’d like you to meet James P. Coyle. Mr. Coyle is a werewolf.

Coyle: Glad to meet you. Can I ask you this question? Have you yourself ever had any transformational experiences?

Huffman: Uh, you’ll have to explain that just a little bit better, uh…

Coyle: Well, insofar as I know, I, of course, can’t view this objectively. I apparently get, uh, a certain actual physical change. The physical change is pretty much limited to my face and arms, where I get, oh, an increased burliness and I, I snarl, and, uh, I become unmanageable at times.

Sharpe: Now, uh, you sir, would you be willing to take this gentleman, Mr. Coyle, into your home and contend with this sort of a beast in the evening?

Huffman: If I were a citizen here, and if I were a civilian, I believe I wouldn’t do it because I’ve had the experience with these type of people before.

Coyle: I have animal capacities. I am actually part wolf.

Sharpe: I have seen him go through this transformation. I have seen his face become wolflike. I have seen hair grow out on the front of his face, and I have seen large fangs appear, and I will swear to this in court.

Coyle: I am part wolflike and I’m not ashamed of it. I’m not totally a human being. Maybe you’re totally human, but I’m part animal.

Huffman: No one is totally human, they’ve all got animal instincts in them.

Sharpe: Could we go through a transformation right now and, uh, have Mr. Coyle become a werewolf for you on the street, just to prove to you that he is a werewolf. And we can do it now. Can we do this?

Huffman: I don’t particularly care to see something like that, but, uh…

Sharpe: Can we go ahead?

Huffman: I don’t know, it’s, uh, I certainly don’t have any particular desire to see this. I don’t know if it’s going to prove anything by becoming a werewolf on the streets or anything…

Coyle: I’ve showed it to the people at the radio station. I’ll show it to you.

Huffman: I guess it’s all right with me.

Sharpe: Okay.

Coyle: Then he and I’ll go through a pre-wolf intensity…

Huffman: All right, go ahead.

Sharpe: Now I make a wolf sound, which brings this out in him, and Mr. Coyle will start turning into a werewolf. Are you ready? [Sharpe begins growling repeatedly.] Now there are some sounds coming from Mr. Coyle. The transformation is beginning. [Coyle begins making a guttural, almost choking sound; he’s having trouble breathing.]

Huffman: That good, that’s enough.

Sharpe: Now, he is becoming a werewolf, isn’t he?

Huffman: Yeah.

Sharpe: Would you describe his face? Describe his face.

Huffman: He’s got a very animalistic look, he certainly does… [Coyle is panting rapidly.]

Sharpe: And what else?

Huffman: He looks like a wolf.

Coyle: And what would you say about his eyes and his teeth?

Huffman: Very animalistic, at that.

Sharpe: Do you believe now he is becoming a werewolf? [Coyle panting, growling.]

Huffman: Certainly.

Sharpe: You do.

Huffman: Yeah.

Sharpe: Mr. Coyle, do you have anything final to say in your wolf state?

Coyle: [Snarls. Pants. Pants turn to laughter.]

Sharpe: [laughing] This is a joke! Honestly, this is a joke. What did you think?

Huffman: Is it?

Sharpe: Honestly, it is. What did you think?

Huffman: That’s pretty weird, I’ll say that much. It is pretty weird.

Sharpe: What did you think of the look…

Huffman: Oh, I thought he was gonna attack me.