Spitball Army

Thin, flat, square: record album. Large, circular, centerless: hula hoop. Envelope: money.

Rectangular and squishy: socks.

Boxy, lap-size, lumpy: Snuggie.

Boxy, lumpy, smaller than Snuggie: sweater. If delivered by lady with hard candies at bottom of purse: embroidered with reindeer.

Cylindrical: candle. Cylindrical with lid: candy jar. Cylindrical, lidded, no sound when shaken: contains bonded ribbon candies.

Colored cello-wrap, loaf-shaped: date nut bread. Weighs over ten pounds: fruitcake.

Same in a box with a cardboard handle: Pannetone. Broken handle: stale Pannetone.

Twisted inside unrippable paper, of ambiguous shape with flat bottom, hard, hollow: scary clown figurine from flea market.

Square, firm with soft cover, 2″ thick, gifted to teenage “writer in the family:” Day planner. Same one as last year.

Letter-sized, flat, with uneven lump on one side: blister-packed action figure from crap franchise.

Gift bag, garnished with colored tissue paper: anything purchased too late to wrap.

Wrapped in comics, torn, festooned with Scotch tape: from grade-schooler or college student.

Encased in black & white newsprint, no “From” designation on package: leftover gift from a Dirty Santa party.

About legal size, firm corners and side, “depress-able” in the middle: Folded dress shirt with tie already on it, in the box. (I get one every year.)

[Written collaboratively with @kmwalsh, @moeskido, @surrealtweets and Brent F.]