Spitball Army

Real critters spotted by our intrepid wildlife correspondent in the swimming pools of Birmingham, Alabama:

The Claw  (Homo sapiens aquaeus dexter unguis manus)
Creature of great stealth, making almost no sound as it moves through the water.  Characterized by a textbook crawl stroke with one distinct anomaly: as the right hand is poised to enter the water, the wrist bends at a downward 90° angle to the forearm with fingers pointed straight toward the surface of the water, forming a cherry-picker or claw.  Supposedly a creature whose movements and actions are the result of meticulous calculation, judging by its unwavering application of fourteen strokes per 25 yards.  Does not speak when land-bound.

Torpedo  (Homo sapiens plumbum suboceanus)
Known to move more quickly under the surface of the water than on the surface.  Aided by webbed fins made of rubber.  Uses arms and legs while swimming on water’s surface; uses only legs when swimming underwater, forming its upper appendages along the side of its body, giving it the appearance of being armless.

Ballerina  (Homo sapiens tripudius Fonteynus aquaeus)
Creature of advanced age and average height, but of above average girth.  Wears swimming uniform made from one solid piece of lavendar or pink-colored cloth; wears eyeglasses on face even when half-immersed in water.  Moves slowly in shallow depths, gazing forward with a placid expression.  Characterized by arm movements reminiscent of the Grande Pose a la Vaganova (one arm to the side, the other above the head), alternating from the left to the right sides of the body and repeated for fifteen minutes at a time.

Tattoo  (Homo sapiens aquaeus ars cutis labore vinum)
Creature’s body marked by ink-on-skin drawings between the shoulder blades and on its left calf.  Requires no preparation before aquatic activity, arriving to the water’s edge in uniform (allowing the bypassing of the communal uniforming room provided at most facilities).  Alternates extremely swift lengths of 25 yards using the crawl stroke with slow lengths of 25 yards using the breaststroke.  Like The Claw (above) does not speak when land-bound.  Has been spotted dispensing beverages containing ethyl alcohol at local gathering places after sundown.

Tortoise  (Homo sapiens testudinidae aquaeus)
Appears thrice weekly in the aquatorium, usually in the mid-morning hours.  Begins swimming activity at once upon entering the water, not stopping until approximately two hours time has passed.  Movement characterized by frequent gasping for air and extreme rolling motion of the torso.  Travels two miles daily by water, on average.