Spitball Army

– Three places I’ve lived in have been burgled, and I was not home during any of the events.

– Ever since learning the principle of torque in high school physics, I have used the “right-hand rule” to figure out which way to unscrew the lid of a jar or the direction to turn on an outdoor water faucet. I’ll just stick my right thumb straight up and turn my hand to the left. This has elicited hearty ridicule from time to time, most prominently from my dear old Dad.

– Caroline Kennedy once asked me to help her find a book in the stacks of Harvard’s Widener Library.

– I can recite almost all of the dialogue from the Marx Brothers’ film “Duck Soup.”

– I am a California native.

– My maternal grandmother was born in Alabama, at a location that is now submerged under Lake Guntersville. I now live in Alabama only coincidentally to this fact.

– My favorite song is “Alfie.” I have it as a ringtone on my cell phone.[audio:Dionne_Warwick___Alfie.mp3]
The classic Dionne Warwick version (1966).

– My second favorite song is “The Hucklebuck.”
[audio:Chubby_Checker___The_Hucklebuck.mp3]
Chubby Checker (1960)

– I have driven from Ensenada, Mexico, up the Baja coast, and across the border into the United States while stone drunk on tequila.

– I am most happy while swimming or in the water, but have the damnedest time getting myself to a pool.

– One year, I was voted Most Valuable Player on my high school swim team.

– My favorite writing instrument is an L.C. Smith manual typewriter with glass keys that is in perfect working order, sits atop a desk in my office, and rarely gets used.

– I have never been to Europe.

– While in college, I burped all the way to the letter “R” in the age-old game of “Burp the Alphabet.” I had a roommate who regularly made it all the way to “Z.”

– Beatles trump Stones.

– I won’t eat cauliflower or okra.

– I once stood between Chris Isaak and Donny Osmond while watching a live Vanilla Ice performance.

The gig was just like this one, complete with all that bouncing.

– I have at least three books and a screenplay in me, but doubt that they’ll ever get written.

– Sometimes my eyes are blue.

– I painted a picture that was presented to the city of Pago Pago, American Samoa, at a Sister City convocation in Oceanside, California. It now sits in a box or on a wall somewhere in Oceanside or, perhaps, in Pago Pago.

– My cousin and I were named Little Miss & Mister South Oceanside. She still has the certificate we were given.

– I do not play a musical instrument, nor have I ever wanted to be in a band.

– Two of the funniest words in the English language are “muffin” and “pickle.” They just sound really, really funny to me, and not for the reasons that you are thinking.

– I have a scar across the knuckle of my right hand, where an inch-long piece of glass from a playhouse window inserted itself when I was a kid.

– Last night, I cut a mango open for the first time.