Spitball Army

Encounter #1:
Me (pulling weeds):  Hello, neighbor!
Neighbor (retreiving empty garbage can from the street):  Well, hey.  Still pulling weeds, I see.
Me:  Yep.  How do you like the patterns in the lawn…they’re diamonds!
Neighbor (with a straight line as a mouth 😐 ):  Did you think that up on your own?

Encounter #2:
Man (shouting across the pool at the lifeguard):  The water’s cold!  What’s the temperature?  It’s cold!
Lifeguard [after lengthy pause to extricate man’s words from the echoes in the natatorium]:  It’s 82°.
Man:  It sure is cold!  It’s not usually this cold!!
Me (in lane next to Man):  It’ll warm up once you start moving.
Man (so deadpan/humorless, it’s deafening):  I’ve been in a pool before.

Encounter #3 (which I also witnessed):
Man walks into Subway to get lunch.  An Indian woman is breast-feeding her baby in full view of the food prep area and all of the other tables.  Man cannot avoid looking right at her, as she is facing the front door at the very first table.
Indian woman (imagine the accent):  Did you get a good look?
Man:  No, not really.  Could you lift your shirt up over your face?

One of these days someone’s reeeaaally going to get it.